Blue Girl 208pounds

Crazy lady rants

65 pounds to go… still, again, ok, it’s just me bitching some more.

on January 29, 2014

I have had a goal for years to see 135 again. I originally started this goal after my first child when I weighed in at 191. 7 years later, and 1 more kid I am now at 200.

I’ve started a thousand times before this, and well I’ve given up talking to people about it. They’ve given up on me just knowing I’m going to fail again, and again. So I don’t even waste my breath anymore. I wish I had true friends that no matter how many times I restarted, they would still support me. How do I know this? In the beginning, I got the words of encouragement, I got the “likes” and the “comments” now I might as well be pissing in the wind so to speak. I have Me, Myself and I.

It’s Wednesday January 29th, the ground is covered in snow the wind chill is -10 degrees and  my oldest has had school canceled two days in a row. It won’t be like this forever and this I have to get through my head. In a few months the temps are going to be going up, the grass will be green again and the pool will be set up, building the deck will be in progress and I have a choice to make. Cry because I allowed ANOTHER year to pass without a single pound off of me, OR will I get it through my thick head that to lose weight, I have to get my mind right. Will I see a bikini this summer?

I have turned to WordPress because it’s really the only place I can vent about this journey that I forever quit and give up on. I also turned to WordPress because as long as I’m writing, I’m not eating. right? right!

I’m debating whether or not to post pictures of me. Part of me says, if I’m serious I should. I should show the world the real me but another part of me knows I can’t handle the trolls. I also know that maybe it will give me the truth and could possibly motivate me. How cool would it be if months from now I post an “after” picture and show the world just how I finally did it.

I keep looking for a magical person to hold my hand and tell me “NO” when I’m reaching for something I KNOW  I shouldn’t eat, that magical person to prepare my meals and snacks and tell me eat this or that and when and how. I KNOW I am that magical person, I am the only person on this planet who can do all of that. Basically I’m wanting the easy way and the truth is there is no easy way about losing weight. It takes hard work, determination, education and pure “WANT” will power.  I own all the biggest loser books, Jillian Michaels books, Bob Harper books, the South Beach Diet book,  honestly.. not ONE of those books is the secret or the key to losing weight. Quite honestly, all the knowledge I took in from ALL of those books put together is the key.  I could probably tell YOU how to lose weight and support YOU but I don’t have it in me to help ME!

It’s funny looking back on my blogs and basically, I’m reading the same thing. No wonder why people gave up on me.. after a while it’s blah blah blah, here we go again…Lizz is trying to lose weight this morning, by noon we won’t hear from her again. LOL I don’t blame them. They’re humans with short attention spans and lack of interest. I get it.

I stress eat. Mainly because of my kids. I love them dearly but just like any mom your kids drive you nuts. Two girls and they fight like cats and dogs. One will be 7 soon and the other just turned 3. I rip my hair out daily.  One is an angel by themselves, but when they are home together (snow days, nights and weekends) I catch myself throwing temper tantrums and crying. I’m not a terrible mom, but I’m definitely not a school teacher either. I do my best to entertain them while still trying to entertain myself. It’s hard.
When I’m not hungry, I still have to make stuff for them to eat and let’s face it, I can’t feed them what I would eat. They are growing little kids who have to feed the energizer bunny’s battery. Both kids won’t eat the same thing. One is so damn picky I could probably name every food she WILL eat on both hands. My other one, well she’s less picky and will for the most part try anything new.

I could probably lose weight if I wasn’t constantly in the kitchen making my kids meals and snacks all day long, or waking up at 6am to make my husbands lunch and his breakfast. I catch myself shoving a piece of meat, cheese, chips and soda in my mouth and I’m not even awake enough to know what I’m doing. Or at least I think I’m not.

ok, so if by chance you read this leave a comment. fill me in with some of your wisdom or support. I’m so close to giving up on myself and I can’t even stand that thought, yet I still lack that “oomph” to get me going.

Today, I have a headache because I’ve decided (again) to try. I only had a few ounces (6 to be exact) of soda this morning before I stopped myself and started pouring water down my throat. It’s easy to be fat. I like easy. I always have. But we all know, easy doesn’t get you anywhere. I have to start somewhere. So, I’m starting with reducing my soda intake (again) and I’ll go from there.

Winter sucks. I can’t wait until spring & summer to take the kids to the park or play outside with them.  But we all know: Summer bodies are made in winter months.

 

 

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