Blue Girl 208pounds

Crazy lady rants

I didn’t over chew, I made it through day 2!

People, I love food. I also have this skinny bitch that lives inside me that gets repulsed every time I eat. I don’t starve myself or throw-up instead I just store it all, usually on my ass and stomach. 😉 ok, so this week I’ve been TRYING to listen to the skinny bitch a little more and for the first time in 9 years, I’m not only trying, but I’m DOING!  I flew through day 2.

I’m only on day 3 of this pain in the ass journey of losing weight. But I made it through 2 whole days! TWO!  doesn’t seem like a lot does it? nope, it isn’t. I’ve met drug addicts who can get “clean” for two days. And just like you are right now, I would roll my eyes at them knowing that by the next time I would see them they would have already over dosed and been saved at least once. (I don’t hang out with these people, Just through acquaintances every now and then)  I know, I sound like a two faced bitch. Who am I to judge a druggie when I’m also a druggie, my drug just happens to be sugar. I would roll my eyes at them because while part of me understands that quitting anything is hard especially when your body develops a chemical addiction to something; I would get angry because I just want people to do better and get better. I hate seeing people fail at something I know they really want to succeed at. I hate seeing myself and others end up letting their drug of choice (sugar included) get the best of them and win.  I personally know the struggle as I have tried for 9 years to kick the sugar habit. (soda, chocolate, mmm cake) I say “try” because by noon I would already be over my calorie limit for the day. I’d give up and binge. One thing about me is I don’t give up easily. I may fail 1,000 times but I will get back up every time. Some times it takes me a few days, and there has even been weeks where I would just lie down and accept my fate as a fat girl. WAAAAHHHH WOE IS ME!   BLAH! Thankfully that skinny bitch would wake up my fighter in me and I’d get back up.

So, here we are on DAY 3!!! 2 days of eating healthy, drinking 126 ounces of water a day, and because I want to succeed this time, I’m allowing myself to still have my favorite French vanilla iced coffee with DD extra extra cream, a cookie or sugar snack. Let’s face it, If i cut it all out at the same time my husband would have to 302 me. No doubt! I’m not using the term 302 as a joke, I know what it means and I know the seriousness of it, I also mean it. Me without any sugar, I’d be like Gizmo after a midnight feeding, Chucky, T-1000 in Terminator, Jim Carey after he puts that mask on. I think you catch my drift.  🙂 Anyways, I just feel PROUD of myself that for 48 hours I really have tried, and succeeded. I’ve never gone this long on a “diet” before. NEVER! I always give in to my fat girl side.

I have a lot of doubts I will succeed in this weight loss journey, mainly because my record for success is ZERO in 9 years. I honestly think I will fail again, IF I can even make through today. My foundation for self esteem is made of dry sand. I have NO FAITH I will actually stick to this and lose weight. You’re probably saying “not with that attitude you won’t”, but see I know myself, and every other time I’ve been gung ho and failed. This time, I know and accept the chances of failing are high, I’m just taking it one day at a time, and really , just one meal at a time.

I’m just tired of my husbands friends coming to visit and all I want to do is runaway while they’re here. I just want to hide because I’m so embarrassed. See, I’ve been with my husband since we were 18, we’re 36 now. He’s had the same friends back then, as he has now. So, when they went from friendly flirting to barely acknowledging my existence you notice. I mean it says more about them then about me, but it still hurts. I used to be 5’2, 130ish pounds and most of that was in my boobs. I was perfectly curvy. (if only I knew that back then, I used to think I was fat and ugly…man oh man what I would do to smack my 18 year self LOL)   So now, I’m 5’2, had a breast reduction and weigh 216 pounds currently. I went from beauty to beast over the years.  I just want to feel comfortable around people again. To know they’re not secretly judging me, or trying not to gag because they hate fat people so much. Don’t judge them, because for all I know they could have a secret fat girl fetish, hell if I know… I’m just saying that’s how IIIII feel, I assume they feel that way.

I’m writing again today, because I need a place to vent. This used to be a private blog until it started getting noticed, I didn’t even know it was “public” but just assumed nothing is private because nothing is these days. It feels good to write on here and just get it all out. Holding shit in is toxic. very toxic. One day maybe I’ll start writing what’s really on my mind, that will be interesting, more interesting than daytime television!

Please, if you actually read this crap, and struggle with being overweight, please feel free to comment. You’re not alone in this battle, and as long as we keep trying maybe one day we will succeed. 🙂 mahatma-gandhi-quote-you-may-never-know-what-results-come-of-your

 

 

 

 

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almost summer again, and I’m still fat

So… here we are. Again. It’s almost summer and I weigh more this year than I EVER have. Seriously, what gives? I’ll tell you, depression, winter, my love of food and the cherry on  top is I eat my emotions. When I’m happy, I don’t eat  outside of normal limits. Give me a dose of stress, anger, sadness and I’ll be 1,000 calories deep within 15 minutes. After that comes the vicious cycle of guilt, shame, depression. Theeeeennnnn I eat more. LOL

At 5’2 I don’t have much room for weight. I’ve always been very well proportioned and even when I was 190 pounds I carried it well. Until I had my breast reduction and something in me died. Now, I sit between 215-220 mainly and I’m FAT! I don’t carry it well and I absolutely hate it.

Ok, so I’ve been “trying” since October 2015 with hopes to be my goal weight by this summer and HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that was funny. It’s Almost April and I haven’t budged, until today.

Yesterday I realized that it’s do or die  time. I LOVE summer. I’m obsessed with water and sun and can’t get enough of either. But, since I’ve gained all this weight I’ve started preferring winter just so I can hide under a hoodie 2 sizes bigger than me. HEY! guess how fat I am under this tent!  Once the temp heats up to about 65 I shed the layers cause I hate clothes. My normal wardrobe consists of tanks and capris.  Now it’s big T-shirts and fat people pants. You know the ones, no buttons, no zippers and stretch with you. THOSE! Kind of like yoga pants minus the yoga and nice ass.

Back to what I was saying, 2 weeks ago I bought a Fitbit Charge HR (fitbit store here)

and it has forever changed my life. Yesterday after going 2 weeks doing what I normally do to get a base reading I woke up. My friend invited me to join a challenge and watching people MOVE motivated me to move! I also spent my weekend making meals I can live with. Cause lets face it, everything in those magazines are unrealistic for every day people, especially those with bi-polar, kids, husbands and a life.  I needed a menu that fit MY taste buds, MY budget, and MY schedule. I went grocery shopping Sunday and got everything I needed to succeed in staying within my calorie range.  YESTERDAY I WON! Yesterday was the FIRST day that I actually TRIED hard. I got in 126oz of water, (yes, one hundred and twenty six ounces) still had my homemade Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla Iced Coffee with DD extra extra creamer, got my fat ass outside for 2 short walks up my 1/4 mile driveway (by UP I mean I earn 5 floors on fitbit UP) it’s a hike and ended the day with a feeling of success.

Today, it’s 2pm and I’ve done awesome so far, and the kids are even home on spring break! SCORE!!! I got in 63oz of water, had a 300 calorie breakfast, a 240 calorie lunch, 1 oreo to keep me from killing anyone and I stopped at 1. I haven’t had a sip of soda yet which trust me, this I may fail today because I’m wanting one. bad! I just keep sipping on my water out of this lug- cool gear 63oz water bottle  I love drinking things out of a straw more than I love eating, so this only makes sense. Why not stress drink H2O? 🙂 I trick my own mind and it falls for it.

Monday I weighed in at 216.0 and I’m praying hard I can keep this up and see a loss on Friday.  I’m really good at quitting whenever I try to lose weight, but THIS SUMMER…. I want to go tubing down the river, I want to take my husband and kids to a water park and not give them 100 excuses why not to go when really I only have 1 reason why I don’t want to. I want to run around the house WITH the kids,  I want to swim with them and not let my self image ruin my fun.

 

 

 

 

 

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the straw that broke my back

There comes a light bulb moment that ultimately took a long time to build up, but when the time comes, you’ll know. I can finally say “duh, I know.” I say “duh” because I allowed myself to finally take a hint that I didn’t want to take for some time now.
I’m a little hard headed, I like things literally spelled out in plain english mainly because I’m a forward person myself. I say what’s on my mind and tell people like it is.

Anyways, a person can only be hurt whether intentional or unintentional so many times before they finally just say fuck it, and walk away. Hurt comes in many forms but tolerance comes in one. People think because you grow quiet that you have already given up, however the quiet phase is the thinking phase, the sit back and watch phase, considering your options and weighing the pros and cons phase. The person just hasn’t given up completely yet.  You sit back and take notes of everything that is being said, or maybe there lack of. They say actions speak louder than words but I’m not so sure. I’ve seen actions say “yes” and words say nothing.  But,  what I’ve learned over my 36 years of life is to really pay attention to the in between the lines stuff. The words they don’t say, the actions they  don’t take. Just like a photograph can speak a 1000 words, I see 1000 words in between everything people say or do and it’s rare I’m wrong. I’ve been that way since I was little, I call it my personal 6th sense. I can read people in a heart beat and tell you whether they are good people or someone you should avoid.  I only wish I’d take my own advice and listen to my inner sense.

I love to help people, I find great joy in making others feel good about themselves. I suppose it’s because on a daily basis I drown in self hatred and criticism and I never want anyone to feel the way I do. So, I like pointing out people’s good qualities and helping them work on their bad. If a stranger smells good, I make a point to strike up conversation and tell them. If a mom is struggling with their kids in the store but I see she’s doing the best she can, I’ll smile and tell her she’s doing a great job and it’ll be ok. You should see the way their face lights up, and feel what I feel knowing I put it there. It’s a beautiful thing.

In my case, my kindness is my weakness. I feel so much of other peoples emotions that I get lost in the process. Eventually my inner bitch breaks out and people closest to me begin feeling my wrath.  I just get tired of being treated like a nobody by so many people when all I do is care. My mood shifts and I stop caring for a while. People I miss, I can no longer give a second thought, things that used to upset me just goes away.  you get my point. Well, today is one of those days.  I can only take so much before I break and the final straw was laid on my back. It’s been a long time coming, a wall that has been slowly building and I think I finally got the “hint”. I have been freed from something weighing me down for a long time now and it feels great.

Today, I’m embracing this new sense of lightness and running with it. March 2016 is starting off to be wonderful. Today is going to be 75 and sunny. Winter was long and difficult for me as it usually is; but this one I chose to fight alone without medicine since last time I gained 20 pounds and I still haven’t lost it. To realize I made it through this winter alive is an awesome feeling. I literally was at war with myself every single day and for once in like 5 months I feel like I won. My demons are still loud within my mind, but with this new sense of “fuck you” I can say I feel great. I feel strong. I feel like I can and will shut them up and make them a little quieter. My demons will always be with me, I’m 100% aware of that and until the next dilemma shows up in my life I’m going quiet them.

Who knows, maybe now since this thing won’t be weighing my down anymore, I can finally stop eating my emotions.

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