Blue Girl 208pounds

Crazy lady rants

the straw that broke my back

on March 9, 2016

There comes a light bulb moment that ultimately took a long time to build up, but when the time comes, you’ll know. I can finally say “duh, I know.” I say “duh” because I allowed myself to finally take a hint that I didn’t want to take for some time now.
I’m a little hard headed, I like things literally spelled out in plain english mainly because I’m a forward person myself. I say what’s on my mind and tell people like it is.

Anyways, a person can only be hurt whether intentional or unintentional so many times before they finally just say fuck it, and walk away. Hurt comes in many forms but tolerance comes in one. People think because you grow quiet that you have already given up, however the quiet phase is the thinking phase, the sit back and watch phase, considering your options and weighing the pros and cons phase. The person just hasn’t given up completely yet.  You sit back and take notes of everything that is being said, or maybe there lack of. They say actions speak louder than words but I’m not so sure. I’ve seen actions say “yes” and words say nothing.  But,  what I’ve learned over my 36 years of life is to really pay attention to the in between the lines stuff. The words they don’t say, the actions they  don’t take. Just like a photograph can speak a 1000 words, I see 1000 words in between everything people say or do and it’s rare I’m wrong. I’ve been that way since I was little, I call it my personal 6th sense. I can read people in a heart beat and tell you whether they are good people or someone you should avoid.  I only wish I’d take my own advice and listen to my inner sense.

I love to help people, I find great joy in making others feel good about themselves. I suppose it’s because on a daily basis I drown in self hatred and criticism and I never want anyone to feel the way I do. So, I like pointing out people’s good qualities and helping them work on their bad. If a stranger smells good, I make a point to strike up conversation and tell them. If a mom is struggling with their kids in the store but I see she’s doing the best she can, I’ll smile and tell her she’s doing a great job and it’ll be ok. You should see the way their face lights up, and feel what I feel knowing I put it there. It’s a beautiful thing.

In my case, my kindness is my weakness. I feel so much of other peoples emotions that I get lost in the process. Eventually my inner bitch breaks out and people closest to me begin feeling my wrath.  I just get tired of being treated like a nobody by so many people when all I do is care. My mood shifts and I stop caring for a while. People I miss, I can no longer give a second thought, things that used to upset me just goes away.  you get my point. Well, today is one of those days.  I can only take so much before I break and the final straw was laid on my back. It’s been a long time coming, a wall that has been slowly building and I think I finally got the “hint”. I have been freed from something weighing me down for a long time now and it feels great.

Today, I’m embracing this new sense of lightness and running with it. March 2016 is starting off to be wonderful. Today is going to be 75 and sunny. Winter was long and difficult for me as it usually is; but this one I chose to fight alone without medicine since last time I gained 20 pounds and I still haven’t lost it. To realize I made it through this winter alive is an awesome feeling. I literally was at war with myself every single day and for once in like 5 months I feel like I won. My demons are still loud within my mind, but with this new sense of “fuck you” I can say I feel great. I feel strong. I feel like I can and will shut them up and make them a little quieter. My demons will always be with me, I’m 100% aware of that and until the next dilemma shows up in my life I’m going quiet them.

Who knows, maybe now since this thing won’t be weighing my down anymore, I can finally stop eating my emotions.

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