Full Moon 13

Crazy lady rants

Friend or Spectator?

Sometimes I wonder why people hold onto others when they don’t really want to. They don’t make an effort to stay in touch, if & when they respond it’s with bare minimum communication, make excuses when really the truth of the matter is your time with those people ended.
We were put in their life for a reason or a season but when it becomes apparent it wasn’t for a lifetime, why not cut the cord? Be honest with the person. Why just keep them around making them think they have a friend when really they don’t, they just have a “spectator”. They have someone who revels in their failures and sad times, and ignores their happy moments. What’s the point?
I obviously care way more about some people than they do me, I genuinely care. But for some reason they’d rather remain spectators in my life than an actual “friend”
I hear these words all the time “busy” “stressed” “difficult time” I understand that at times we are busy, and have a lot going on, but when months, even years pass I think it’s more “I just don’t like you anymore” than it is “life”
Don’t like me anymore? Just tell me. It hurts my feelings WAY more trying to figure out where I stand in someone’s life. We always have time for the people we want to make time for. We’ll always have an excuse for those we don’t.
(excuses and actual legit reasons are two different things, I understand that)
I’m starting a new journey I think is long over due. For those that can handle me at my worst and still love me and actually want to be there during my good and bad times, thank you. I appreciate you. For those that are mere spectators our reason and season is up. It was a blessing to have you in my life for the time spent. Our laughter and cries. Our good times and bad. It’s okay that our friendship is over, not everything in our life is meant to be forever. I’m not mad, I don’t hold any negative feelings. I just want real. I need to know who’s really on my side and who is just waiting to laugh at my next fall. Who is willing to take the time to help me up when I fall, who I can call when I’m facedown drowning in my own tears and who will step over me because they don’t feel like dealing with me, or those that see me down and get a warm happy feeling inside.
I’m tired of feeling alone and like I don’t matter. Be honest with yourself and with me. Please. It’s all I ask.
I can see through the bullshit so please don’t try to make me believe something we both know isn’t true.
No, this isn’t another episode. This has been on my mind for a long time.
Do you actually care if I’m in your life?
Or if I die tomorrow will you all of sudden have something to say?
Do I actually matter in your life while I’m still alive?
No I’m not suicidal, I’m not even a little bit sad at the moment, nor am I depressed. I’m actually thinking clearly and in a good spot in my life. So unless some freak accident happens, I am here.
I’m only sad that I feel way more than the average person and feel alone all the time. Day after day, month after month, year after year. It’s me, my husband and the kids. That’s it.


And Websters