Blue Girl 208pounds

Crazy lady rants

Picking up the pieces from a mood swing.

I’m a bipolar moody bitch and sometimes my dark side gets the best of me and I end up having to live with the broken pieces my dark side broke. It’s my life. Moments of darkness, moments of light and partly sunny days in between where I’m stuck in both.

I think I know why I don’t hold grudges or why I don’t stay mad at anyone longer than a few minutes. It’s because I myself need forgiveness and therefore I also shall forgive. I need those around me to let go, as I shall also let go.
We all fuck up, we all have bad days, bad moods, bad periods in our lives. We all eventually grow past it, learn from it and sometimes we lose people we care about along the way. That too is part of the growth, part of the lesson.
People I’ve recently pushed away I have to ask myself if they were ever there to begin with. The answer is no, at least in my eyes. Because if they were It wouldn’t even be a question. If they were they wouldn’t have been so easily moved, and their absence wouldn’t feel as relieving as it does. Do I miss the silence? Nope. Do I miss the sarcastic asshole comments? Nope. Do I miss missing them while they pretended to be a ‘friend’ not at all. Do I miss reaching out to dead air? Not one bit. Yet not one of them ever had the balls to let me go. Was I the accident on the highway they couldn’t look away from but also had no interest in helping?
So as I grow through the debris my sensitive dark side left behind, I’m wondering if maybe I should appreciate it more for doing what the light hearted, sensitive light side was/is too scared to do?

Maybe the pieces don’t need to be picked up at all because they were already broken.

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Weight loss / gain rant… Again

I’m a fat girl with a loud skinny bitch inside that won’t shut up!

Before first child 2006- 165 pounds

May 2016 – 220 pounds

February 2017 – 192

July 2017-175 pounds

February 2018- 204 pounds.

July 2018- 212 pounds

Goal ideal weight-

135-150

^^that was me, summer 2017 185 pounds. I was so happy because while I’m still overweight, I wasn’t 220, I wasn’t even 200 or 190.

At 5’2 there’s not room to grow out.

I’m a fat girl. Period. I was never meant to be on the thinner side and yet my brain refuses to accept that. I am so sick and tired of the struggle my brain and body have on a daily basis every moment of the day. As much as I plan, schedule, read, watch, buy, want, need, like, admire, strive… the truth of the matter is I’m a lazy fuck. I like the idea of working out, going for walks, sweating, eating healthy but when it comes to actually doing those things I allow myself to get distracted and or make excuses. I think the sooner I accept the fact that I’m just fat and lazy the sooner I might actually start living a happy life. I have a serious mental issue with weight, I always have from as young as elementary school years. While the other girls were starving themselves to lose weight, I wanted to but I always ate, I couldn’t not eat. While other girls were sticking their fingers down their throat, I hated throwing up so I didn’t do it. You get the point.
So, how does someone like me remain fat but find happiness in that when the skinny bitch inside me loathes the fat lazy girl I am? How do I accept that? I Would love a personal trainer, a weight babysitter for one month that no matter what stayed focused on helping me. I need a solid 30 days of someone I can hate but love in the end. Someone who I can push buttons with but not make them quit on me. I just need 30 days to retrain my brain into starting something, finishing it and learning discipline. I am the most inconsistent person alive. What I do today, I probably won’t do tomorrow. I lose interest in things rather quickly and or let stress from Taking care of the family get to me.
Drug addicts get rehab.
Mental patients get rehab.
Where is the rehab for obesity? I don’t have $25,000 to pay for it.

And my Fitbit broke 6 months ago, with kids in school finding an extra $150 isn’t happening. At least having one of those helped more than not having one. Or is that another excuse? 😔

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Heroin overdose /Narcan and Cancer crisis Part 1 WARNING – this may anger the enablers and drug defenders.

You know what, amazing how “scientists” can find a cure for a drug over dose so quick but can’t find one for cancer while BABIES & CHILDREN are left to die!! Buuuuutt nooooooooo let’s save the life of a drug addict… For free and offer them help for free.
Alllll these foundations and organizations and non profits and the millions of dollars raised to find a cure for cancer all these years and still nothing???? But needle pushers get brought back to life within a short period without foundations of every size shape and color???

If I pissed you off, I can’t say I’m sorry, because I’m tired of seeing innocent children on my newsfeed dying of cancer or fighting for their lives every single day and reading heart breaking words of a mother begging for another day with their child who did NOT choose the cancer life, but the cancer life chose them. Seeing babies and little kids with tubes and ivs, shunts in hospital beds where they don’t have the option to leave and are being fed one drug after another that makes them sick beyond what their little bodies can take… I’m not sorry that you or someone you know made the CHOICE to do drugs. I am sorry that our pharmaceutical investing government keeps approving deadly pills that get you high and make you want something stronger. But you know what, I’ve taken some of those same drugs given to me by a doctor and they made me feel like absolute shit and I didn’t take anymore. Never once did I say “I love how numb my body feels and how I can’t speak or talk, hey I know I want more and more.” no, I prayed to live through that dose and called my DRUG pushing prescription writer the next day and told them about it and said I’m not taking it again.
I’ve had 6 surgeries, was hit by a car, a broken ankle, and deal with back pain on a daily basis sometimes crippling back pain, headaches, bi-polar mood problems .. And I find natural remedies for my ailments. A Tylenol, an exercise, a hot bath, essential oils, loud music, a freaking coloring book and a rubix cube.
You feel bad? Go to any children’s hospital in America and look at the parents broken heart pouring out of their eyes, or the children that just want to go outside.
You needle pushers and tide pod eaters are why I have to talk to my little kids about drugs at such an early age and teach them young what drugs do to people. I educate my children because I never want the streets or their so called piece of shit friends to be their teachers.
Opioid crisis?
What about the cancer crisis in this country?

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