Blue Girl 208pounds

Crazy lady rants

losing weight is a waiting game…

Short blog today, I have too much to do.

Started this lifestyle change for real on March 28th. It’s been 2 weeks and I’ve lost 4 pounds. I started off at 217.6 and today I checked in at 213.4

NEXT WEEK  I WANT TO SEE 211 ON THE SCALE!!   STAY TUNED!

I haven’t exercised at all outside of my normal housework. I’m a stay at home mom with no kids at home during the day as they are in school. So it’s just me, HULU, 4 cats, 1 big dog and a shit ton of chores.
My breakfast has been the SAME thing for 2 weeks. 2 boiled eggs (sometimes I dont’ eat the yolk) 4 slices of turkey bacon and tomato slices or cucumbers.
My Lunch as been the same thing. 1 can of Starkist tuna in water, (or 3oz grilled chicken) 2 cups of Organic 50/50 spring mix & spinach, (1 small sweet pepper, 2 tblspn red onion, and other veggies) 2 tablespoons of Olive Garden Italian dressing. It is so filling and good it’s amazing
my dinners… ehhhh  I need to work on that. Once everyone is home I lose self control and motivation. with 2 kids and a husband it’s stressful and I’m an emotional eater. BUT I have made drastic improvements over the past 2 weeks and I expect to keep fighting.

i went from drinking 3-6 sodas a day. (GROSS) to I’ve had 2 in the past 7 days total. I still drink my homemade dunkin Donuts french vanilla iced coffee with 2 tblspn DD extra extra creamer 🙂 (2-4x a day) NOBODY will take my iced coffee away lol drinking it literally keeps me sane. There’s just something about it.

NEXT WEEK  I WANT TO SEE 211 ON THE SCALE!!   STAY TUNED….

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I Got a Breast Reduction (part 2) Update 2 years later

Hey reader, If you’re reading this before reading part 1 of “I Got a Breast Reduction” please read it now. https://bluegirl208pounds.wordpress.com/2014/01/07/i-got-a-breast-reduction/

ok, Thanks for taking that few minutes to read part 1, now for part 2 AKA Update!

It’s been 2 full years since my reduction and I’ve settled in to a 38DD but guess what? They are uneven and both are different shapes. Probably from the complication I had. But still.

Instead of gaining self esteem and losing weight like I had hoped, planned and tried doing I now weigh 30 pounds more and my boobs are ugly. No, not from the scars;  having a chest that looks like frankenstein actually doesn’t bother me. No, it’s the shapes. Yes plural, SHAPES! I guess because of the life/death complication I had on my left breast it caused a change in shape. But hey! I’m alive and well, so I guess I should be thankful. Eh, sure. I guess.

PROS:

*less back pain
*less neck strain
*shirts fit
*bikini tops fit better than they did before (Not that I belong in a bikini top, but life is short- so screw it! )
*I can exercise completely free now, no bruises or porn act

CONS:

*odd shapes created a non existent bra size
*torpedo boobs anyone?
*bat wings!  or at least that’s what they call them. It’s disgusting pockets of fat (aka side boob) left over from my once ginormous breasts. Insurance doesn’t cover Lip Suction and I’m not wealthy so I can’t afford lipo to remove it.

*LOW-er Self esteem- Get a breast reduction they said. ( and I said)  Boy was that a mistake. I had NO IDEA how big a part of who I was lied within my boobs. Apparently It was the only thing I had going for me. I hated them because I hate attention. I hated people (women and men) judging me because of them. Both sexes thought I was some kind of slut, so both sexes would make comments.  But now that I don’t have them, I miss them terribly. When the world around me went wrong, “at least I have big boobs”. When other girls tried flirting with my husband, “at least my boobs are bigger than hers, I’m good” When I needed a snack and food was nowhere to be found, I could just reach down my bra and pull out a full course meal. (totally kidding, I even just gagged a little just saying that LOL)
Now, I’m just fat with little boobs and totally disproportionate. A body that was never mine and I don’t recognize it.

 

Funny story:
When I needed to get out a ticket, “use the boobs! unzip your jacket a little” I’d tell myself and it worked. Or it could have just been my personality that got me off. I was always respectful towards the officer, yes sir, I’d always admit my guilt . Mind you it was 2am and I had just gotten off work as a waitress back in my college years, I sat at a red light to turn left and the damn light just wouldn’t give me an arrow. So after about 2-3 light changes I said “fuck it” and turned left on red. (not a single car in sight) So I made the left and damn it if I didn’t hear the little WHOOP WHOOP and the lights. OH MAN!  Ipulled over and looked but no cop. HUH? where’d he go? So I stayed on the shoulder because I just turned left on red and I KNOW he’s coming for me. I got my information out and waiting for him. He got to me about 30 seconds later. Cop comes up to my window smiling “do you know why I pulled you over?”  I said  “yes, I turned left on red, and technically I pulled over and waited for you LOL) He laughed and said well, you waited about 2-3 lights before you turned, but didn’t you see me sitting there?  I looked him right in the eyes and said “officer, if I  saw you sitting there, I wouldn’t have made an illegal turn”  He laughed again and told me he appreciated my honesty. Told me there he was just going to run my information and as long as I didn’t have any problems he’d let me go.  Of course I didn’t, I was/am a good girl. So, boobs or personality, or both. Either way I had the confidence to smile at a cop.

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Day 10, it’s getting easier.

I update my facebook more than my blog, but since I now have a few people who follow this shit storm I call a blog, (and I appreciate each and every one of you ♥) I figured I’d update you all.
I’m on day 10, honestly I didn’t think I’d make it past day 1-7. Last Friday (April 1) I weighed in because I knew I wouldn’t make it past the weekend and have anything good to report on Monday. So, on Friday I weighed in at 215.0. I started out at 217.6. WAHOO! Hard work does pay off!

I haven’t started a real exercise schedule yet. Every time I try to lose weight I dive in head first and fail every single time. This time I am literally taking it one thing at a time. I’ll add in exercise later, but for right now, I need to get my food straight. Plus, I’m solar powered and this weather here in the south BLOWS!!! One day it’s 70 and sunny, the next its 30 with flurries. I give up. I have a really nice treadmill too, but that shit boring. It makes a really nice clothes rack though. LOL You should get one! ;-)~

This Monday (April 5th) I MADE IT THROUGH THE WEEKEND!!! OK, Friday I totally failed. During the day I did ok, but when the kids came home and the husband I went from strong and confident to FUCK IT real quick. I thought my journey was done. I committed diet suicide.  But I surprised myself when I woke up Saturday and felt ok. My strong and confident mindset returned. So I kept going. Monday when I weighed in, I was 213.4. YEAH BUDDY!.

Starting weight: 216.8   3/25/16   (real starting weight was 217.6)

Last week:             215.0  4/1/16
Current Weight: 213.4   4/5/16     I’m excited! 🙂

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Dieting fucking sucks!

Here we are on day 5 of this pain in the ass journey. I hate every part of it! I am moody, I’m irritable and this is why I could never even get past day 1 in the past. I’m on day 5 and while I’m extremely proud of what I’ve done over the past 5 days there is a huge part of me where the fat girl is winning. I just want to give up and go back to “i’m fat and there’s nothing I can do about it” But that dumb ass skinny bitch inside me reminds me just how freaking miserable I am weighing almost 220 pounds. I’m miserable dieting, and I’m miserable being fat. I’ve reached the stage where I decide which miserable I can live with more. Realistically, I can live with the dieting more so than I  can the fat girl.

I managed to lose 1.8 pounds since last Friday. My goal is 2 pounds so I’m happy that I came that close. 2 pounds a week is hard, and being my weight I know it’s possible to lose 3-5 pounds in the beginning but I’m not forcing that nor focusing on that. I’m happy with 1.8 this week.

Why is that 1.8 loss not motivating me?? It should, but it isn’t. This is a slow process and I’m well aware of that fact. I didn’t gain 30 (82) pounds over night and I know it won’t come off overnight. It’s just hard. very hard mentally and physically.  When your body is so dependent on sugar and the chemicals in your brain lives off of it, it’s a horrible detox to go through for not being a drug addict. The slightest setback makes you want to resort to the one thing that makes you feel good and last night I gave into my “drug” SUGAR.  I went all day long eating well and sticking to my plan, and yes my home made DD FV iced coffee creamer has lots of sugar in it, but I’m not giving that up yet as it’s my only source. Last night, I ate 4 peeps, 2 hand fulls of Cheetos, 6oz of Pepsi and a small handfull of Robins Eggs (Whoppers). It was wonderful, until i realized I just failed myself. Whatever, I went to bed and slept it off, Today would be a new day. Well, today around 1030am I gave into SUGAR. 2 peeps and a handful of robins eggs. grrrr. I stopped myself and put that crap away before I  totally sabotage myself.  I’m just ill.

DIETING FUCKING SUCKS!  If you’re struggling with this journey as well, I’m here for you. We can do this. It does suck. It is hard. We will have times where we fall, but I think it’s important we get back up and keep going. We can’t just lie there and expect to lose weight. We have to work at it, accept our falls, accept what we’re feeling, what we’re going through and trust the process!
Starting weight: 216.8   3/25/16Current Weight: 215.0 4/1/16  -1.8

 

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I didn’t over chew, I made it through day 2!

People, I love food. I also have this skinny bitch that lives inside me that gets repulsed every time I eat. I don’t starve myself or throw-up instead I just store it all, usually on my ass and stomach. 😉 ok, so this week I’ve been TRYING to listen to the skinny bitch a little more and for the first time in 9 years, I’m not only trying, but I’m DOING!  I flew through day 2.

I’m only on day 3 of this pain in the ass journey of losing weight. But I made it through 2 whole days! TWO!  doesn’t seem like a lot does it? nope, it isn’t. I’ve met drug addicts who can get “clean” for two days. And just like you are right now, I would roll my eyes at them knowing that by the next time I would see them they would have already over dosed and been saved at least once. (I don’t hang out with these people, Just through acquaintances every now and then)  I know, I sound like a two faced bitch. Who am I to judge a druggie when I’m also a druggie, my drug just happens to be sugar. I would roll my eyes at them because while part of me understands that quitting anything is hard especially when your body develops a chemical addiction to something; I would get angry because I just want people to do better and get better. I hate seeing people fail at something I know they really want to succeed at. I hate seeing myself and others end up letting their drug of choice (sugar included) get the best of them and win.  I personally know the struggle as I have tried for 9 years to kick the sugar habit. (soda, chocolate, mmm cake) I say “try” because by noon I would already be over my calorie limit for the day. I’d give up and binge. One thing about me is I don’t give up easily. I may fail 1,000 times but I will get back up every time. Some times it takes me a few days, and there has even been weeks where I would just lie down and accept my fate as a fat girl. WAAAAHHHH WOE IS ME!   BLAH! Thankfully that skinny bitch would wake up my fighter in me and I’d get back up.

So, here we are on DAY 3!!! 2 days of eating healthy, drinking 126 ounces of water a day, and because I want to succeed this time, I’m allowing myself to still have my favorite French vanilla iced coffee with DD extra extra cream, a cookie or sugar snack. Let’s face it, If i cut it all out at the same time my husband would have to 302 me. No doubt! I’m not using the term 302 as a joke, I know what it means and I know the seriousness of it, I also mean it. Me without any sugar, I’d be like Gizmo after a midnight feeding, Chucky, T-1000 in Terminator, Jim Carey after he puts that mask on. I think you catch my drift.  🙂 Anyways, I just feel PROUD of myself that for 48 hours I really have tried, and succeeded. I’ve never gone this long on a “diet” before. NEVER! I always give in to my fat girl side.

I have a lot of doubts I will succeed in this weight loss journey, mainly because my record for success is ZERO in 9 years. I honestly think I will fail again, IF I can even make through today. My foundation for self esteem is made of dry sand. I have NO FAITH I will actually stick to this and lose weight. You’re probably saying “not with that attitude you won’t”, but see I know myself, and every other time I’ve been gung ho and failed. This time, I know and accept the chances of failing are high, I’m just taking it one day at a time, and really , just one meal at a time.

I’m just tired of my husbands friends coming to visit and all I want to do is runaway while they’re here. I just want to hide because I’m so embarrassed. See, I’ve been with my husband since we were 18, we’re 36 now. He’s had the same friends back then, as he has now. So, when they went from friendly flirting to barely acknowledging my existence you notice. I mean it says more about them then about me, but it still hurts. I used to be 5’2, 130ish pounds and most of that was in my boobs. I was perfectly curvy. (if only I knew that back then, I used to think I was fat and ugly…man oh man what I would do to smack my 18 year self LOL)   So now, I’m 5’2, had a breast reduction and weigh 216 pounds currently. I went from beauty to beast over the years.  I just want to feel comfortable around people again. To know they’re not secretly judging me, or trying not to gag because they hate fat people so much. Don’t judge them, because for all I know they could have a secret fat girl fetish, hell if I know… I’m just saying that’s how IIIII feel, I assume they feel that way.

I’m writing again today, because I need a place to vent. This used to be a private blog until it started getting noticed, I didn’t even know it was “public” but just assumed nothing is private because nothing is these days. It feels good to write on here and just get it all out. Holding shit in is toxic. very toxic. One day maybe I’ll start writing what’s really on my mind, that will be interesting, more interesting than daytime television!

Please, if you actually read this crap, and struggle with being overweight, please feel free to comment. You’re not alone in this battle, and as long as we keep trying maybe one day we will succeed. 🙂 mahatma-gandhi-quote-you-may-never-know-what-results-come-of-your

 

 

 

 

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almost summer again, and I’m still fat

So… here we are. Again. It’s almost summer and I weigh more this year than I EVER have. Seriously, what gives? I’ll tell you, depression, winter, my love of food and the cherry on  top is I eat my emotions. When I’m happy, I don’t eat  outside of normal limits. Give me a dose of stress, anger, sadness and I’ll be 1,000 calories deep within 15 minutes. After that comes the vicious cycle of guilt, shame, depression. Theeeeennnnn I eat more. LOL

At 5’2 I don’t have much room for weight. I’ve always been very well proportioned and even when I was 190 pounds I carried it well. Until I had my breast reduction and something in me died. Now, I sit between 215-220 mainly and I’m FAT! I don’t carry it well and I absolutely hate it.

Ok, so I’ve been “trying” since October 2015 with hopes to be my goal weight by this summer and HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that was funny. It’s Almost April and I haven’t budged, until today.

Yesterday I realized that it’s do or die  time. I LOVE summer. I’m obsessed with water and sun and can’t get enough of either. But, since I’ve gained all this weight I’ve started preferring winter just so I can hide under a hoodie 2 sizes bigger than me. HEY! guess how fat I am under this tent!  Once the temp heats up to about 65 I shed the layers cause I hate clothes. My normal wardrobe consists of tanks and capris.  Now it’s big T-shirts and fat people pants. You know the ones, no buttons, no zippers and stretch with you. THOSE! Kind of like yoga pants minus the yoga and nice ass.

Back to what I was saying, 2 weeks ago I bought a Fitbit Charge HR (fitbit store here)

and it has forever changed my life. Yesterday after going 2 weeks doing what I normally do to get a base reading I woke up. My friend invited me to join a challenge and watching people MOVE motivated me to move! I also spent my weekend making meals I can live with. Cause lets face it, everything in those magazines are unrealistic for every day people, especially those with bi-polar, kids, husbands and a life.  I needed a menu that fit MY taste buds, MY budget, and MY schedule. I went grocery shopping Sunday and got everything I needed to succeed in staying within my calorie range.  YESTERDAY I WON! Yesterday was the FIRST day that I actually TRIED hard. I got in 126oz of water, (yes, one hundred and twenty six ounces) still had my homemade Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla Iced Coffee with DD extra extra creamer, got my fat ass outside for 2 short walks up my 1/4 mile driveway (by UP I mean I earn 5 floors on fitbit UP) it’s a hike and ended the day with a feeling of success.

Today, it’s 2pm and I’ve done awesome so far, and the kids are even home on spring break! SCORE!!! I got in 63oz of water, had a 300 calorie breakfast, a 240 calorie lunch, 1 oreo to keep me from killing anyone and I stopped at 1. I haven’t had a sip of soda yet which trust me, this I may fail today because I’m wanting one. bad! I just keep sipping on my water out of this lug- cool gear 63oz water bottle  I love drinking things out of a straw more than I love eating, so this only makes sense. Why not stress drink H2O? 🙂 I trick my own mind and it falls for it.

Monday I weighed in at 216.0 and I’m praying hard I can keep this up and see a loss on Friday.  I’m really good at quitting whenever I try to lose weight, but THIS SUMMER…. I want to go tubing down the river, I want to take my husband and kids to a water park and not give them 100 excuses why not to go when really I only have 1 reason why I don’t want to. I want to run around the house WITH the kids,  I want to swim with them and not let my self image ruin my fun.

 

 

 

 

 

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the straw that broke my back

There comes a light bulb moment that ultimately took a long time to build up, but when the time comes, you’ll know. I can finally say “duh, I know.” I say “duh” because I allowed myself to finally take a hint that I didn’t want to take for some time now.
I’m a little hard headed, I like things literally spelled out in plain english mainly because I’m a forward person myself. I say what’s on my mind and tell people like it is.

Anyways, a person can only be hurt whether intentional or unintentional so many times before they finally just say fuck it, and walk away. Hurt comes in many forms but tolerance comes in one. People think because you grow quiet that you have already given up, however the quiet phase is the thinking phase, the sit back and watch phase, considering your options and weighing the pros and cons phase. The person just hasn’t given up completely yet.  You sit back and take notes of everything that is being said, or maybe there lack of. They say actions speak louder than words but I’m not so sure. I’ve seen actions say “yes” and words say nothing.  But,  what I’ve learned over my 36 years of life is to really pay attention to the in between the lines stuff. The words they don’t say, the actions they  don’t take. Just like a photograph can speak a 1000 words, I see 1000 words in between everything people say or do and it’s rare I’m wrong. I’ve been that way since I was little, I call it my personal 6th sense. I can read people in a heart beat and tell you whether they are good people or someone you should avoid.  I only wish I’d take my own advice and listen to my inner sense.

I love to help people, I find great joy in making others feel good about themselves. I suppose it’s because on a daily basis I drown in self hatred and criticism and I never want anyone to feel the way I do. So, I like pointing out people’s good qualities and helping them work on their bad. If a stranger smells good, I make a point to strike up conversation and tell them. If a mom is struggling with their kids in the store but I see she’s doing the best she can, I’ll smile and tell her she’s doing a great job and it’ll be ok. You should see the way their face lights up, and feel what I feel knowing I put it there. It’s a beautiful thing.

In my case, my kindness is my weakness. I feel so much of other peoples emotions that I get lost in the process. Eventually my inner bitch breaks out and people closest to me begin feeling my wrath.  I just get tired of being treated like a nobody by so many people when all I do is care. My mood shifts and I stop caring for a while. People I miss, I can no longer give a second thought, things that used to upset me just goes away.  you get my point. Well, today is one of those days.  I can only take so much before I break and the final straw was laid on my back. It’s been a long time coming, a wall that has been slowly building and I think I finally got the “hint”. I have been freed from something weighing me down for a long time now and it feels great.

Today, I’m embracing this new sense of lightness and running with it. March 2016 is starting off to be wonderful. Today is going to be 75 and sunny. Winter was long and difficult for me as it usually is; but this one I chose to fight alone without medicine since last time I gained 20 pounds and I still haven’t lost it. To realize I made it through this winter alive is an awesome feeling. I literally was at war with myself every single day and for once in like 5 months I feel like I won. My demons are still loud within my mind, but with this new sense of “fuck you” I can say I feel great. I feel strong. I feel like I can and will shut them up and make them a little quieter. My demons will always be with me, I’m 100% aware of that and until the next dilemma shows up in my life I’m going quiet them.

Who knows, maybe now since this thing won’t be weighing my down anymore, I can finally stop eating my emotions.

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I hate everything…

Ever have one of those days when literally you hate everything??  It was apparent that at 6am this morning it was one of those days. So much that I had to bring up “I hate everything” by the Suicide Machines on my playlist and listen to it. 6am I tell ya!

I was only awake for 30 minutes at this point, mind you I’m a volcano on a daily basis anyways. I’m always there, people fear me, I let off bursts of steam here and there and before a big blow up I always warn people with small amounts of ash and lava (in your face sarcasm, F*** off’s and go do it yourself attitudes) today was some of that so basically I should be blowing up really big here soon.

Anyways, you really gotta listen to this song if you ever have one of these days. 🙂  I Hate Everything – Suicide Machines

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I deleted all my friends on facebook! (except my husband) Part 1

Before you read this blog or any other blog I’ve written I must forewarn you that while I pick on other people’s grammar, punctuation, and spelling… mine isn’t all that great when I write. I can easily pick up on the mistakes of others.   I do know the difference between are, our, there, their, and they’re, and, an, then, than…etc so give me some credit.   (ok, now enjoy yourself breaking out the red pen and circling, “x”ing out the mistakes and fixing it all. Better yet, start scribbling)

On September 26, 2014 I made a decision, one that most people in today’s world would consider CRAZY! or maybe unheard of, an unspeakable crime in the online world; I deleted all my friends off Facebook except my husband.

I always kept my friends list at 100 or less. I have never been the type to collect “friends” as if they were cute little pocket fuzzy pets, nope not my style. So, periodically I would go through my friends list and make sure those on there are people I actually care about.  Leading up to 9/26/14 I was getting annoyed at what seemed like everything. The completely insane world news that I just couldn’t wrap my God-fearing head around. The local news here in the USA was keeping me up at night. Some of my friends were chronic profile picture changers, like once a day to 2-3 times a week! talk about attention seeking??!! ughh gag me! This friend was sick, this one liked a page for another cancer baby or really ill child, This one’s xxxx died, this one was constantly referring to their dead family member as if they could read Facebook, this one hated their job so badly my newsfeed heard about it a few times every shift. Another one liked slutty twerking videos or booty pictures thinking nobody would see it, well I saw that they “liked” it.  The list goes on and on. Before I go any further let me explain all that. The sad news stories didn’t really annoy me as much as they broke my heart. I found myself praying constantly for friends and family and strangers, the city, the state, the country the world. I desperately needed a break from all of the heart ache.  I also got tired of Facebook telling every one of my friends exactly what I was doing on other sites. I’m sure there was a setting somewhere and most I changed to not tell Facebook, but Facebook has a peephole. (no, seriously it’s this little hole that the mean gremlins of Facebook look through, laugh and post your shopping, music, private photos, likes, comments so that ALLLL your friends see it and find out what a weirdo you really are!)

I have tried leaving Facebook before, but found myself logging in again after about 10 minutes. So this time I had to do something more drastic as a way to punish myself and make it more legit…I deleted everyone. Out of respect for my husband I kept him on there so he can still see what  I’m doing, it’s only right.   I need (need? really?) Facebook for this and that because the genius ass who invented this demon site made it so E-V-E-R-Y-thing links to it for a rather one click, no password to remember convenience. (Thanks Mark Z!)

Anyways, here it is a week out, wait, no… it’s only been 6 days! OMG 6 days!! that’s it??? uughhh

it’s not that bad, really. I get my fix (Hi, my name is Lizz and I’m a Facebook junkie) by still using Facebook and reading the awful news everyday and all my funny sites like Ellen DeGeneres and Kevin Heart, Fluffy and so on but I have to admit it is kind of lonely.

My boredom now gets bored! Is that even possible?  Here’s where it gets interesting, as I’m going through a slight withdrawal, I’m realizing I’m spending my time doing other things. I’m a stay at home mom and I’m not a very good one. My house is always a mess no matter how hard I try to keep it clean, my laundry is always piled to my eyeballs, my toddler finds a new canvas to draw on quite daily, (I need stock in Magic Eraser, cause those things are miracle workers)  I’m kind of a strict no fun lazy mom so “playing” is just something I don’t do. As a child nobody ever played with me, I had to entertain myself and I survived just fine. (that’s another story) Anyways, without Facebook friends I’m getting more around the house done. I’m looking up more often so I’m seeing the little things I may have missed before with my kids, (sad truth isn’t it?)  Most importantly, a life without Facebook friends is truly beautiful. I mean those who I mean something to will find a way to stay in touch and without them knowing what I’m doing all the time gives us something to talk about.  Those who mean something to me, I will reach out to and again we will have stuff to talk about because we don’t know each others business anymore.

This was a very hard step for me because 2 years ago I moved from my lifelong hometown in Pennsylvania to a little hole in the state of Virginia. Yes, it’s beautiful here in the mountains, yes it’s more peaceful and the people are a hell of a lot nicer, but truth is… it sucks! It sucks big fat monkey nuts! No Target! how can anyone live without a Target? OH but we have a Wal-Mart and TONS of fast food places. YAY! again, gag me! NO malls, no rap music, no rock music, just bluegrass and the good ol’ depressing broken heart love songs of Country. …BLAH!     I used Facebook as a way to keep in touch with all my peeps back home, but because I don’t work or have ways of finding new friends down here I used Facebook as my “world” my outlet, my only source of connection and it became my crutch. I had a bad day- Facebook was there.  I felt lonely or depressed, Facebook was there.  There was only one problem though… Facebook was, but 99% of my friends/family weren’t. Not because they didn’t care, but because who wants to hear about somebody’s negative moods? NOBODY! I became dependent on finding confirmation of almost everything I was doing, as if the opinion or “likes” really identified who I am as a person.

HOW did I allow myself to become so dependent on a social network to decide my self-worth? My beauty on a scale of how many “likes” or comments a photo received? I was one to never give a crap about what other people thought of me, now all of a sudden I fear a hair being out-of-place in a picture, or looking fat, or a double chin!  I realized that none of that matters. A post showed up on my newsfeed one day “those who mind, don’t matter & those who matter don’t mind”  DAMN RIGHT! That’s when I kept repeating that to myself and a few months later came to the conclusion that I have nothing to prove to anyone.  My REAL friends wouldn’t care how crazy, moody or ugly I am and those who had a problem with any part of me…didn’t matter! 
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I miss my Facebook friends/family, 98% of them were very close to my heart, question is… how close to THEIRS was I?  If you think about it, friendships and families survived decades without social media. Those friends and family members who didn’t belong in our lives in the first place that social media brought together, well…. I don’t have that problem anymore either.

This is only week 1, I have plans for my children, my marriage and myself. Bare with me.  This is a healing process and I’ve taken the first step of acknowledging I had/have a problem.

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Small changes make a big difference

Soo… after 1 cup of coffee,  I had to ditch my DD coffee creamer. 😦 sad sad day for me. BUT, it’s for my own good. 2 tablespoons of that was 60 cals, then to add my french vanilla flavoring (cause i dislike the regular taste of coffee) that was another 60 calories for a “splash”  I turned my normal 160 calorie cup of coffee into almost 300..  cause I had to put way more than 1 serving size to get it just right.  Soo…. I’m back to using my 30 cal fv creamer and my 2 tspn of sugar (30 cal).  Sometimes what you WANT isn’t always what you NEED. Right now my waist size is more important than a commercialized brand I happen to be obsessed with.  Once it warms up, I will ditch coffee altoghether.

Losing weight is extremely difficult. It’s an all day battle, and one weak moment can undo everything you mentally worked for all day. I’m still screwing up, but I refuse to look at or focus on the negatives. It’s a process and every LITTLE thing I do is making a step in the right direction. For instance, I may not be consistantly losing 2-3 pounds a week like I want to, but I’m not gaining either. My weight does fluctuate but because I haven’t given up, the scale stays close to what I’ve already lost.    I have given up before after losing 10 pounds and even though it took 4-5 weeks to lose that 10 pounds I would put it all back on in 2 weeks.

I have been taking Jillian Michaels Fat Burner because I needed help getting started. Those little gems are amazing. I have absolutely NO side effects what so ever! Only positive effects, more energy, I feel like my moods are more stable, the cravings for sweets are 90-95% contained which before I was a chocoholic, a candy maniac, had to have 2-6 sodas a day… now between my new mental attitude and the HELP of JMFB I just have no desire to eat or drink that crap.

I started out at 202.6 March 3rd I didn’t really start trying until around March 17th still between 200-202. It’s now April 21st and even though it’s not much…it’s still SOMETHING. A small move in the right direction… 196.8 

I really would like to lose 2-3 lbs a week, but let’s face the facts… you don’t “lose weight” you have to WORK THE WEIGHT OFF!!!  Fix your food intake meaning not just WHAT you eat, but WHEN you eat and HOW you eat. You also have MOVE! Eating right alone will work for hte first couple weeks.. but then you have to get off your ass which I’m still a lazy fat girl at heart and having problems moving.  I have excuses. I know what they are and I’m not going to sugar coat my own bullshit. My biggest excuse is my kids. Especially my toddler. She’s 3 and at home with me all day. She is attached to me and I don’t have a babysitter.  So trying to get 30 minutes a day where she will leave me alone is almost impossible. I have tried to get her into something while I exercise but she sees me and climbs on top of me, or wraps herself around my leg.

When daddy comes home, it’s dinner, baths, homework (for my older child) cleanup, and here comes my next excuse… I’m too tired.
I told you I’m full of excuses. Those are just my main two.

Well, it’s monday April 21, 2014 and I’m making a promise to whoever is actually reading this blog that by June 21st, I will be down 10 lbs from 196.8. That’s my small goal. Who knows… maybe more than that.

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