Blue Girl 208pounds

Crazy lady rants

Picking up the pieces from a mood swing.

I’m a bipolar moody bitch and sometimes my dark side gets the best of me and I end up having to live with the broken pieces my dark side broke. It’s my life. Moments of darkness, moments of light and partly sunny days in between where I’m stuck in both.

I think I know why I don’t hold grudges or why I don’t stay mad at anyone longer than a few minutes. It’s because I myself need forgiveness and therefore I also shall forgive. I need those around me to let go, as I shall also let go.
We all fuck up, we all have bad days, bad moods, bad periods in our lives. We all eventually grow past it, learn from it and sometimes we lose people we care about along the way. That too is part of the growth, part of the lesson.
People I’ve recently pushed away I have to ask myself if they were ever there to begin with. The answer is no, at least in my eyes. Because if they were It wouldn’t even be a question. If they were they wouldn’t have been so easily moved, and their absence wouldn’t feel as relieving as it does. Do I miss the silence? Nope. Do I miss the sarcastic asshole comments? Nope. Do I miss missing them while they pretended to be a ‘friend’ not at all. Do I miss reaching out to dead air? Not one bit. Yet not one of them ever had the balls to let me go. Was I the accident on the highway they couldn’t look away from but also had no interest in helping?
So as I grow through the debris my sensitive dark side left behind, I’m wondering if maybe I should appreciate it more for doing what the light hearted, sensitive light side was/is too scared to do?

Maybe the pieces don’t need to be picked up at all because they were already broken.

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Weight loss / gain rant… Again

I’m a fat girl with a loud skinny bitch inside that won’t shut up!

Before first child 2006- 165 pounds

May 2016 – 220 pounds

February 2017 – 192

July 2017-175 pounds

February 2018- 204 pounds.

July 2018- 212 pounds

Goal ideal weight-

135-150

^^that was me, summer 2017 185 pounds. I was so happy because while I’m still overweight, I wasn’t 220, I wasn’t even 200 or 190.

At 5’2 there’s not room to grow out.

I’m a fat girl. Period. I was never meant to be on the thinner side and yet my brain refuses to accept that. I am so sick and tired of the struggle my brain and body have on a daily basis every moment of the day. As much as I plan, schedule, read, watch, buy, want, need, like, admire, strive… the truth of the matter is I’m a lazy fuck. I like the idea of working out, going for walks, sweating, eating healthy but when it comes to actually doing those things I allow myself to get distracted and or make excuses. I think the sooner I accept the fact that I’m just fat and lazy the sooner I might actually start living a happy life. I have a serious mental issue with weight, I always have from as young as elementary school years. While the other girls were starving themselves to lose weight, I wanted to but I always ate, I couldn’t not eat. While other girls were sticking their fingers down their throat, I hated throwing up so I didn’t do it. You get the point.
So, how does someone like me remain fat but find happiness in that when the skinny bitch inside me loathes the fat lazy girl I am? How do I accept that? I Would love a personal trainer, a weight babysitter for one month that no matter what stayed focused on helping me. I need a solid 30 days of someone I can hate but love in the end. Someone who I can push buttons with but not make them quit on me. I just need 30 days to retrain my brain into starting something, finishing it and learning discipline. I am the most inconsistent person alive. What I do today, I probably won’t do tomorrow. I lose interest in things rather quickly and or let stress from Taking care of the family get to me.
Drug addicts get rehab.
Mental patients get rehab.
Where is the rehab for obesity? I don’t have $25,000 to pay for it.

And my Fitbit broke 6 months ago, with kids in school finding an extra $150 isn’t happening. At least having one of those helped more than not having one. Or is that another excuse? 😔

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Growling echoes from the dark corners

I need a therapist that will make it more like a fancy tea party but with coffee and tissues that actually hold up to the tears you put in them,
A therapist that doesn’t cut you off at 45 minutes regardless of the level 10 breakdown you’re experiencing to tell you time is up.
A therapist that won’t force you to go from crying to “normal” within seconds so you can walk out and face strangers.
A therapist with night time appointments because those are the darkest hours of the tarnished soul growling echoes into every corner of your mind.
A therapist that will understand my breakdown is okay and not say the words “you need medicine” when what I really need is a break through and someone who understands my tears more than my words.
A therapist that won’t take things away from my kids because money is all they care about, leaving me to choose between talking to someone or getting my kid that thing they want or need. I will always choose my kids.
A therapist that isn’t writing every little thing I say down in jumbled notes completely misconstruing what I say.
A therapist that doesn’t look for “red flags” and “key words” and instead just listens to your over flooded spirit pouring out emotions in the form of nonsense word vomit that even I don’t understand.
A therapist that doesn’t try to numb you with a cocktail of experimental drugs that only worsens your problems or gives you issues you didn’t even have in the first place.
A therapist that will speak truth to you because that’s what you need to hear, not the nonchalant safe suggestions as if she’s walking on delicate egg shells terrified of breaking one. Even though I am one.
A therapist that you can speak freely to without fear of judgements or embarrassments.
A therapist that will understand the hurt and pain behind my silence on days I can’t talk at all.
A therapist that loves my broken pieces because she knows when I’m glued back together I am a fun, loving, sweet, funny person who’d give my all to help someone else to feel happy.
Ever wonder why I try so hard to make others happy? Because I know what it feels like to want to die thinking nobody gives a shit and I don’t want anyone else to feel that way. But right now, I’m so down I can’t help anyone else and that breaks my heart.
A therapist that doesn’t have a doctors degree and answers to the title of FRIEND.
I need a therapist friend.
#lizzisms
#ihaveissues

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