Full Moon 13

Crazy lady rants

Picking up the pieces from a mood swing.

I’m a bipolar moody bitch and sometimes my dark side gets the best of me and I end up having to live with the broken pieces my dark side broke. It’s my life. Moments of darkness, moments of light and partly sunny days in between where I’m stuck in both.

I think I know why I don’t hold grudges or why I don’t stay mad at anyone longer than a few minutes. It’s because I myself need forgiveness and therefore I also shall forgive. I need those around me to let go, as I shall also let go.
We all fuck up, we all have bad days, bad moods, bad periods in our lives. We all eventually grow past it, learn from it and sometimes we lose people we care about along the way. That too is part of the growth, part of the lesson.
People I’ve recently pushed away I have to ask myself if they were ever there to begin with. The answer is no, at least in my eyes. Because if they were It wouldn’t even be a question. If they were they wouldn’t have been so easily moved, and their absence wouldn’t feel as relieving as it does. Do I miss the silence? Nope. Do I miss the sarcastic asshole comments? Nope. Do I miss missing them while they pretended to be a ‘friend’ not at all. Do I miss reaching out to dead air? Not one bit. Yet not one of them ever had the balls to let me go. Was I the accident on the highway they couldn’t look away from but also had no interest in helping?
So as I grow through the debris my sensitive dark side left behind, I’m wondering if maybe I should appreciate it more for doing what the light hearted, sensitive light side was/is too scared to do?

Maybe the pieces don’t need to be picked up at all because they were already broken.

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Weight loss / gain rant… Again

I’m a fat girl with a loud skinny bitch inside that won’t shut up!

Before first child 2006- 165 pounds

May 2016 – 220 pounds

February 2017 – 192

July 2017-175 pounds

February 2018- 204 pounds.

July 2018- 212 pounds

Goal ideal weight-


^^that was me, summer 2017 185 pounds. I was so happy because while I’m still overweight, I wasn’t 220, I wasn’t even 200 or 190.

At 5’2 there’s not room to grow out.

I’m a fat girl. Period. I was never meant to be on the thinner side and yet my brain refuses to accept that. I am so sick and tired of the struggle my brain and body have on a daily basis every moment of the day. As much as I plan, schedule, read, watch, buy, want, need, like, admire, strive… the truth of the matter is I’m a lazy fuck. I like the idea of working out, going for walks, sweating, eating healthy but when it comes to actually doing those things I allow myself to get distracted and or make excuses. I think the sooner I accept the fact that I’m just fat and lazy the sooner I might actually start living a happy life. I have a serious mental issue with weight, I always have from as young as elementary school years. While the other girls were starving themselves to lose weight, I wanted to but I always ate, I couldn’t not eat. While other girls were sticking their fingers down their throat, I hated throwing up so I didn’t do it. You get the point.
So, how does someone like me remain fat but find happiness in that when the skinny bitch inside me loathes the fat lazy girl I am? How do I accept that? I Would love a personal trainer, a weight babysitter for one month that no matter what stayed focused on helping me. I need a solid 30 days of someone I can hate but love in the end. Someone who I can push buttons with but not make them quit on me. I just need 30 days to retrain my brain into starting something, finishing it and learning discipline. I am the most inconsistent person alive. What I do today, I probably won’t do tomorrow. I lose interest in things rather quickly and or let stress from Taking care of the family get to me.
Drug addicts get rehab.
Mental patients get rehab.
Where is the rehab for obesity? I don’t have $25,000 to pay for it.

And my Fitbit broke 6 months ago, with kids in school finding an extra $150 isn’t happening. At least having one of those helped more than not having one. Or is that another excuse? 😔

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Heroin overdose /Narcan and Cancer crisis Part 1 WARNING – this may anger the enablers and drug defenders.

You know what, amazing how “scientists” can find a cure for a drug over dose so quick but can’t find one for cancer while BABIES & CHILDREN are left to die!! Buuuuutt nooooooooo let’s save the life of a drug addict… For free and offer them help for free.
Alllll these foundations and organizations and non profits and the millions of dollars raised to find a cure for cancer all these years and still nothing???? But needle pushers get brought back to life within a short period without foundations of every size shape and color???

If I pissed you off, I can’t say I’m sorry, because I’m tired of seeing innocent children on my newsfeed dying of cancer or fighting for their lives every single day and reading heart breaking words of a mother begging for another day with their child who did NOT choose the cancer life, but the cancer life chose them. Seeing babies and little kids with tubes and ivs, shunts in hospital beds where they don’t have the option to leave and are being fed one drug after another that makes them sick beyond what their little bodies can take… I’m not sorry that you or someone you know made the CHOICE to do drugs. I am sorry that our pharmaceutical investing government keeps approving deadly pills that get you high and make you want something stronger. But you know what, I’ve taken some of those same drugs given to me by a doctor and they made me feel like absolute shit and I didn’t take anymore. Never once did I say “I love how numb my body feels and how I can’t speak or talk, hey I know I want more and more.” no, I prayed to live through that dose and called my DRUG pushing prescription writer the next day and told them about it and said I’m not taking it again.
I’ve had 6 surgeries, was hit by a car, a broken ankle, and deal with back pain on a daily basis sometimes crippling back pain, headaches, bi-polar mood problems .. And I find natural remedies for my ailments. A Tylenol, an exercise, a hot bath, essential oils, loud music, a freaking coloring book and a rubix cube.
You feel bad? Go to any children’s hospital in America and look at the parents broken heart pouring out of their eyes, or the children that just want to go outside.
You needle pushers and tide pod eaters are why I have to talk to my little kids about drugs at such an early age and teach them young what drugs do to people. I educate my children because I never want the streets or their so called piece of shit friends to be their teachers.
Opioid crisis?
What about the cancer crisis in this country?

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Is it me, or is it them? I’m a beautiful disaster.

Depression. Mood swings. Feeling Alone.

Is that who we are or are people in our environment making us feel and act that way?

Is it insecurity that keeps us stuck where we are comfortable even if we’re not happy?

Is it Fear that keeps us from trying?

What exactly causes our mental health to plummet in life? Were we seriously born this way? What actually started the downward spiral? I’m pretty confident our biology has something to do with it, but I’m starting to wonder if unfinished business from our past and how we shaped our lives around that unfinished business has more to do with it than our genes.

I was diagnosed with bi-polar at 15 years old. My fathers girlfriend at the time hated me. I was pretty, I was nice, I was sweet. She hated everything about me but did so silently and with a smile. She started telling total lies to my dad about me doing drugs ( never did) he knew that, he knew me but love will make you do stupid things and so he started acting different towards me. I was a good kid. Even at 15 I was respectful, I stayed in my room listened to music and did my homework. I rarely went out. Anywhere. Fast forward SHE insisted I needed to see a psychiatrist. I was out of control. I laughed at her because I was a dream child. She insisted I needed help because once I noticed her behavior I called her out on it, she didn’t like that.  So at that time my environment made me depressed, I was having a mental battle of wits with a grown woman who manipulated my only parent into believing things that weren’t true. I was fighting to believe I was sane and a normal teenager, a normal daddy’s girl except every day I began questioning all of those things. She would be my best friend one day, reel me into her web and because I was so desperate for a mother-daughter relationship I got trapped every single time. I believed in the good. I believed in second chances. and third. fourth. etc.  It got the point I didn’t know what was up or down anymore. I didn’t know who I was or what I was. What was right or what was wrong. That situation I feel made me ‘bipoolar’, my moods were in fact all over the place. My depression was deep, it was dark and my internal demons were brought to life and had a field day at my expense. At 15 years old, I was diagnosed with bipolar. I gained my label as “crazy”. I became the victim of mental illness.

I won’t go into my current life but I’m seriously questioning whether or not that turning point at 15 set me up for who I am now, why I’m where I’m at in life and how my life turned out. Don’t get me wrong, My childhood was fucked up but after making the early decision around age 9 that I only wanted to live with my dad life got a lot better. Up until the wicked witch showed up.  But that label started a snowball effect for the rest of my life. It set the foundation of  my identity. That label created a whole other person inside me that I haven’t been able to shake. (not multiple personalities, although sometimes I swear it feels that way) The diagnosis was and still is continued. So that just means I am in fact a roller coaster of tornado emotions, and it’s all true.

The events that have taken place over my life has ultimately shaped me. The desire to be accepted yet the world around me is constantly requesting I change, and adjust who I am. Why should I change? I’m not a horrible person. I’m just someone who likes small groups, nights at home, and nature.

Who am I?

I am an introvert that enjoys my own company. I don’t like small talk or meaningless conversations. I have a hard time dealing with the uneducated even though I’m not that smart myself. My grandest intellectual ability is common sense. I’m an analyzer by nature. I think about everything and anything and have scenarios A-D figured out within seconds. I think constantly.   I love board & card games that tap into my inner intellect.  I love puzzles, any kind. I love music and all kinds, I love to sing and dance but only in my own company. I will never sing or dance in front of anyone minus my kids.  I am shy and don’t do well in groups but will smile and say hello to anyone I come across. I don’t like parties, I don’t do drugs and drink only on certain occasions. when I do drink I take my liquor straight one shot at a time, and usually one shot is all I need. Mixed drinks are for late night parties that don’t have an end time. I do not like beer and will not drink it. Champagne isn’t my style and wine is okay on occasion. I love to laugh and talk. I love to help others I care about with blunt advice. They come to me because they know I tell it like it is and I will often apologize in advance for how blunt I’m about to put something. I don’t sugar coat it. I am a Capricorn.  I am a beautiful disaster.  You see a normal looking middle aged female smiling saying hello. Inside I am crying, fighting back visible tears, fighting my demons, inside I am a disaster.

  What am I?

I am disabled. Since I was 28. I’m almost 37. 😦  I want nothing more than to go back to work and feel like a human being again. I want my OWN money that I can be proud of. I want friends. I want a purpose. I want to be a contribution to society not a roach. I don’t want to have to lie and say I work when I really don’t. I don’t want to be embarrassed anymore.  Thankfully my husband works 40-50 hours a week , but he busts his ass from 630am to 5pm every day. How do I thank him? …. I racked up $20,000 in credit card debt within one year because sometimes times were tough and we had to buy groceries or pay bills, other times I said well, It already has money on it why not buy this or that. I have nothing to show for any of that $20,000 minus kids clothes, shoes, shoes and clothes for us and last years Christmas.  THAT is how a bipolar brain works.  Shopping is my only drug. It’s my only release. Credit card debt is now my biggest cause of my depression and marriage problems.

I am on disability for my Bipolar because after the birth of my first child my demons were given life and they multiplied to the point I had no choice but to quit my job that I loved. I could no longer walk and chew gum at the same time. I couldn’t function. at all. I took care of my baby, I kept her alive and well and loved her something fierce. But the day she was born, something in me died. Sad huh? I think it is. I have tried getting it back but nothing I have tried works. I even moved 500 miles away thinking a different environment would bring me back. My husband came with us but while the move killed a few demons it brought on different ones. I now fight daily with rapid cycling bipolar, I am at war with myself on a daily basis, all day every day. I’d honestly kill myself but I love my kids far too much to do that. I chicken out every time. I love them and growing up without a mom was the worst part of my life. I would never do that to my kids. I have to protect them. That’s my job. I have to be their mother and their best friend. I have to be their shoulder to cry on when they need it. That’s my job and my heart.

not sure if anyone will even read this far, I just had to get this out before I exploded. I hope if you too suffer from mood issues you will consider your environment, the people in your circle, know you’re not alone, and most importantly find your ONE reason to stay alive and keep fighting. You are worth it. Somebody does love you even if you feel like nobody does, Somebody will miss you, even if you feel that nobody will. Keep fighting. ♥

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what’s considered “crazy”vs “normal”

Why can’t someone have a bad mood without someone saying “you need an anti-depressant” why can’t I have a lot on my mind, need time to myself before I go insane without someone saying “you need a stabilizer”
maybe I don’t feel the need to medicate my problems,maybe I prefer identifying my issues and finding a solution so I can move past it.
I am NOT depressed and I’m NOT experiencing erratic moods. I AM experiencing a lot of financial stress, a lot of relationship issues, a lot of torn feelings, I’m homesick, I was never country and never will be, I feel isolated, alone and used.
No pill will fix any of those problems. A pill will only numb the emotions that as a human being I am entitled to feel. I’m allowed to feel angry, sad, stressed out, emotional, just as much as I’m allowed to laugh, cry, walk or run.
I am a human being with a beating heart and a brain that thinks. Last time I checked having feelings is all part of being alive.
I have no desire to kill myself, I don’t hate anyone or anything, I am simply going through a stage that many other people go through in life. It’s called LIFE! But because I am different than some people I know, they can’t understand my way of dealing with things. They only accuse me of being ill minded and want me to go get pills. NO THANK YOU! been there done that, and unless I feel myself in a dark hole with death choking me, then I will very well deal with my problems head on so I can move forward with my life. Sitting still with a blindfold on never gets anything solved.
So, am I wrong/crazy for thinking this way? Or are these people suggesting a prescription is the answer just want me like them? popping pills to numb the pain and stress even though they wake up just as miserable, stressed, and unhappy as they were 25 years ago?????
somebody help me understand. No wonder I have issues. Being told who you are ultimately defines you. I’m starting to wonder if maybe I am okay and the people that have drilled it in my head my whole life are the ones with the problems???
Maybe my stages of depression are caused by my environment. Maybe my moods are normal. I mean do normal people have bad days? Do normal people ever feel stressed out or sad? Overwhelmed or feel like they need a change???  Or do “crazy” people only experience those things?

I am very aware of my mental state. There have been times in my life when I’ve been so depressed I knew it was more than just a bad day or a bad week. I knew I needed help and I went and got it to help pull me through. I know my brain is damaged. My whole gene pool has mental issues, I just feel like I have a better grip on mine and a better understanding on life and what makes me tick. I had a different up bringing than my siblings and my parents. My parents know me, but they have no idea who I really am. I was a latch key kid raised by a single father with help from a guardian angel, an earth angel and mothers of my friends. I share their DNA, but certainly not their way of thinking.
somebody who isn’t blood has to be able to make sense of this. Cause now I have it in my head I’m just crazy and need pills to numb me.