Blue Girl 208pounds

Crazy lady rants

Weight loss / gain rant… Again

I’m a fat girl with a loud skinny bitch inside that won’t shut up!

Before first child 2006- 165 pounds

May 2016 – 220 pounds

February 2017 – 192

July 2017-175 pounds

February 2018- 204 pounds.

July 2018- 212 pounds

Goal ideal weight-

135-150

^^that was me, summer 2017 185 pounds. I was so happy because while I’m still overweight, I wasn’t 220, I wasn’t even 200 or 190.

At 5’2 there’s not room to grow out.

I’m a fat girl. Period. I was never meant to be on the thinner side and yet my brain refuses to accept that. I am so sick and tired of the struggle my brain and body have on a daily basis every moment of the day. As much as I plan, schedule, read, watch, buy, want, need, like, admire, strive… the truth of the matter is I’m a lazy fuck. I like the idea of working out, going for walks, sweating, eating healthy but when it comes to actually doing those things I allow myself to get distracted and or make excuses. I think the sooner I accept the fact that I’m just fat and lazy the sooner I might actually start living a happy life. I have a serious mental issue with weight, I always have from as young as elementary school years. While the other girls were starving themselves to lose weight, I wanted to but I always ate, I couldn’t not eat. While other girls were sticking their fingers down their throat, I hated throwing up so I didn’t do it. You get the point.
So, how does someone like me remain fat but find happiness in that when the skinny bitch inside me loathes the fat lazy girl I am? How do I accept that? I Would love a personal trainer, a weight babysitter for one month that no matter what stayed focused on helping me. I need a solid 30 days of someone I can hate but love in the end. Someone who I can push buttons with but not make them quit on me. I just need 30 days to retrain my brain into starting something, finishing it and learning discipline. I am the most inconsistent person alive. What I do today, I probably won’t do tomorrow. I lose interest in things rather quickly and or let stress from Taking care of the family get to me.
Drug addicts get rehab.
Mental patients get rehab.
Where is the rehab for obesity? I don’t have $25,000 to pay for it.

And my Fitbit broke 6 months ago, with kids in school finding an extra $150 isn’t happening. At least having one of those helped more than not having one. Or is that another excuse? 😔

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Dieting fucking sucks!

Here we are on day 5 of this pain in the ass journey. I hate every part of it! I am moody, I’m irritable and this is why I could never even get past day 1 in the past. I’m on day 5 and while I’m extremely proud of what I’ve done over the past 5 days there is a huge part of me where the fat girl is winning. I just want to give up and go back to “i’m fat and there’s nothing I can do about it” But that dumb ass skinny bitch inside me reminds me just how freaking miserable I am weighing almost 220 pounds. I’m miserable dieting, and I’m miserable being fat. I’ve reached the stage where I decide which miserable I can live with more. Realistically, I can live with the dieting more so than I  can the fat girl.

I managed to lose 1.8 pounds since last Friday. My goal is 2 pounds so I’m happy that I came that close. 2 pounds a week is hard, and being my weight I know it’s possible to lose 3-5 pounds in the beginning but I’m not forcing that nor focusing on that. I’m happy with 1.8 this week.

Why is that 1.8 loss not motivating me?? It should, but it isn’t. This is a slow process and I’m well aware of that fact. I didn’t gain 30 (82) pounds over night and I know it won’t come off overnight. It’s just hard. very hard mentally and physically.  When your body is so dependent on sugar and the chemicals in your brain lives off of it, it’s a horrible detox to go through for not being a drug addict. The slightest setback makes you want to resort to the one thing that makes you feel good and last night I gave into my “drug” SUGAR.  I went all day long eating well and sticking to my plan, and yes my home made DD FV iced coffee creamer has lots of sugar in it, but I’m not giving that up yet as it’s my only source. Last night, I ate 4 peeps, 2 hand fulls of Cheetos, 6oz of Pepsi and a small handfull of Robins Eggs (Whoppers). It was wonderful, until i realized I just failed myself. Whatever, I went to bed and slept it off, Today would be a new day. Well, today around 1030am I gave into SUGAR. 2 peeps and a handful of robins eggs. grrrr. I stopped myself and put that crap away before I  totally sabotage myself.  I’m just ill.

DIETING FUCKING SUCKS!  If you’re struggling with this journey as well, I’m here for you. We can do this. It does suck. It is hard. We will have times where we fall, but I think it’s important we get back up and keep going. We can’t just lie there and expect to lose weight. We have to work at it, accept our falls, accept what we’re feeling, what we’re going through and trust the process!
Starting weight: 216.8   3/25/16Current Weight: 215.0 4/1/16  -1.8

 

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I didn’t over chew, I made it through day 2!

People, I love food. I also have this skinny bitch that lives inside me that gets repulsed every time I eat. I don’t starve myself or throw-up instead I just store it all, usually on my ass and stomach. 😉 ok, so this week I’ve been TRYING to listen to the skinny bitch a little more and for the first time in 9 years, I’m not only trying, but I’m DOING!  I flew through day 2.

I’m only on day 3 of this pain in the ass journey of losing weight. But I made it through 2 whole days! TWO!  doesn’t seem like a lot does it? nope, it isn’t. I’ve met drug addicts who can get “clean” for two days. And just like you are right now, I would roll my eyes at them knowing that by the next time I would see them they would have already over dosed and been saved at least once. (I don’t hang out with these people, Just through acquaintances every now and then)  I know, I sound like a two faced bitch. Who am I to judge a druggie when I’m also a druggie, my drug just happens to be sugar. I would roll my eyes at them because while part of me understands that quitting anything is hard especially when your body develops a chemical addiction to something; I would get angry because I just want people to do better and get better. I hate seeing people fail at something I know they really want to succeed at. I hate seeing myself and others end up letting their drug of choice (sugar included) get the best of them and win.  I personally know the struggle as I have tried for 9 years to kick the sugar habit. (soda, chocolate, mmm cake) I say “try” because by noon I would already be over my calorie limit for the day. I’d give up and binge. One thing about me is I don’t give up easily. I may fail 1,000 times but I will get back up every time. Some times it takes me a few days, and there has even been weeks where I would just lie down and accept my fate as a fat girl. WAAAAHHHH WOE IS ME!   BLAH! Thankfully that skinny bitch would wake up my fighter in me and I’d get back up.

So, here we are on DAY 3!!! 2 days of eating healthy, drinking 126 ounces of water a day, and because I want to succeed this time, I’m allowing myself to still have my favorite French vanilla iced coffee with DD extra extra cream, a cookie or sugar snack. Let’s face it, If i cut it all out at the same time my husband would have to 302 me. No doubt! I’m not using the term 302 as a joke, I know what it means and I know the seriousness of it, I also mean it. Me without any sugar, I’d be like Gizmo after a midnight feeding, Chucky, T-1000 in Terminator, Jim Carey after he puts that mask on. I think you catch my drift.  🙂 Anyways, I just feel PROUD of myself that for 48 hours I really have tried, and succeeded. I’ve never gone this long on a “diet” before. NEVER! I always give in to my fat girl side.

I have a lot of doubts I will succeed in this weight loss journey, mainly because my record for success is ZERO in 9 years. I honestly think I will fail again, IF I can even make through today. My foundation for self esteem is made of dry sand. I have NO FAITH I will actually stick to this and lose weight. You’re probably saying “not with that attitude you won’t”, but see I know myself, and every other time I’ve been gung ho and failed. This time, I know and accept the chances of failing are high, I’m just taking it one day at a time, and really , just one meal at a time.

I’m just tired of my husbands friends coming to visit and all I want to do is runaway while they’re here. I just want to hide because I’m so embarrassed. See, I’ve been with my husband since we were 18, we’re 36 now. He’s had the same friends back then, as he has now. So, when they went from friendly flirting to barely acknowledging my existence you notice. I mean it says more about them then about me, but it still hurts. I used to be 5’2, 130ish pounds and most of that was in my boobs. I was perfectly curvy. (if only I knew that back then, I used to think I was fat and ugly…man oh man what I would do to smack my 18 year self LOL)   So now, I’m 5’2, had a breast reduction and weigh 216 pounds currently. I went from beauty to beast over the years.  I just want to feel comfortable around people again. To know they’re not secretly judging me, or trying not to gag because they hate fat people so much. Don’t judge them, because for all I know they could have a secret fat girl fetish, hell if I know… I’m just saying that’s how IIIII feel, I assume they feel that way.

I’m writing again today, because I need a place to vent. This used to be a private blog until it started getting noticed, I didn’t even know it was “public” but just assumed nothing is private because nothing is these days. It feels good to write on here and just get it all out. Holding shit in is toxic. very toxic. One day maybe I’ll start writing what’s really on my mind, that will be interesting, more interesting than daytime television!

Please, if you actually read this crap, and struggle with being overweight, please feel free to comment. You’re not alone in this battle, and as long as we keep trying maybe one day we will succeed. 🙂 mahatma-gandhi-quote-you-may-never-know-what-results-come-of-your

 

 

 

 

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almost summer again, and I’m still fat

So… here we are. Again. It’s almost summer and I weigh more this year than I EVER have. Seriously, what gives? I’ll tell you, depression, winter, my love of food and the cherry on  top is I eat my emotions. When I’m happy, I don’t eat  outside of normal limits. Give me a dose of stress, anger, sadness and I’ll be 1,000 calories deep within 15 minutes. After that comes the vicious cycle of guilt, shame, depression. Theeeeennnnn I eat more. LOL

At 5’2 I don’t have much room for weight. I’ve always been very well proportioned and even when I was 190 pounds I carried it well. Until I had my breast reduction and something in me died. Now, I sit between 215-220 mainly and I’m FAT! I don’t carry it well and I absolutely hate it.

Ok, so I’ve been “trying” since October 2015 with hopes to be my goal weight by this summer and HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA that was funny. It’s Almost April and I haven’t budged, until today.

Yesterday I realized that it’s do or die  time. I LOVE summer. I’m obsessed with water and sun and can’t get enough of either. But, since I’ve gained all this weight I’ve started preferring winter just so I can hide under a hoodie 2 sizes bigger than me. HEY! guess how fat I am under this tent!  Once the temp heats up to about 65 I shed the layers cause I hate clothes. My normal wardrobe consists of tanks and capris.  Now it’s big T-shirts and fat people pants. You know the ones, no buttons, no zippers and stretch with you. THOSE! Kind of like yoga pants minus the yoga and nice ass.

Back to what I was saying, 2 weeks ago I bought a Fitbit Charge HR (fitbit store here)

and it has forever changed my life. Yesterday after going 2 weeks doing what I normally do to get a base reading I woke up. My friend invited me to join a challenge and watching people MOVE motivated me to move! I also spent my weekend making meals I can live with. Cause lets face it, everything in those magazines are unrealistic for every day people, especially those with bi-polar, kids, husbands and a life.  I needed a menu that fit MY taste buds, MY budget, and MY schedule. I went grocery shopping Sunday and got everything I needed to succeed in staying within my calorie range.  YESTERDAY I WON! Yesterday was the FIRST day that I actually TRIED hard. I got in 126oz of water, (yes, one hundred and twenty six ounces) still had my homemade Dunkin Donuts French Vanilla Iced Coffee with DD extra extra creamer, got my fat ass outside for 2 short walks up my 1/4 mile driveway (by UP I mean I earn 5 floors on fitbit UP) it’s a hike and ended the day with a feeling of success.

Today, it’s 2pm and I’ve done awesome so far, and the kids are even home on spring break! SCORE!!! I got in 63oz of water, had a 300 calorie breakfast, a 240 calorie lunch, 1 oreo to keep me from killing anyone and I stopped at 1. I haven’t had a sip of soda yet which trust me, this I may fail today because I’m wanting one. bad! I just keep sipping on my water out of this lug- cool gear 63oz water bottle  I love drinking things out of a straw more than I love eating, so this only makes sense. Why not stress drink H2O? 🙂 I trick my own mind and it falls for it.

Monday I weighed in at 216.0 and I’m praying hard I can keep this up and see a loss on Friday.  I’m really good at quitting whenever I try to lose weight, but THIS SUMMER…. I want to go tubing down the river, I want to take my husband and kids to a water park and not give them 100 excuses why not to go when really I only have 1 reason why I don’t want to. I want to run around the house WITH the kids,  I want to swim with them and not let my self image ruin my fun.

 

 

 

 

 

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I got a breast reduction!

As much as I’d love to be sitting her writing that I lost weight and in the process lost some of my boobs…I didn’t. I literally had a surgical breast reduction. WHY? If you’re asking this question, you are either a male, or a small breasted female who has never had the complications of large breasts. Lucky you!

Over the summer of 2013 I ordered numerous bikini tops in the largest size these companies made that was within my budget. Well, After 3 attempts and 3 let downs, 3 melt downs in full temper tantrum mode I gave up. That was it! I was done. It wasn’t fair to me that regardless of my size my boobs were so big nothing fit. Not bras, not shirts, not sports bras, and definitely not bikini tops. All my graphic shirts would be so stretched, it was pointless in wearing them.

Anyways, my biggest mental and physical blockade was my weight. How can I lose weight when I had these ginormous things on my chest. I couldn’t dare jump, jog, do crunches, and during PMS, walking would hurt. So with all my reasons, excuses, explanations or whatever you want to  call them I called a recommended plastic surgeon.

I figured… MAYBE, just MAYBE…IF i can get these things off my chest I may stand a chance in this world. MAYBE my self esteem would take flight, MAYBE I could jog for once in my life, jump rope for once without black eyes or bruises on my chin. MAYBE, it would give me the motivation to eat healthier, make the changes necessary to better my body then add exercise and it would all come together.

I’ll save you all the gory details of my surgery, the complications and all that jazz and skip forward to now… 6 weeks post op.

Surgeon removed 1 kilo from each breast, that is 2.2 pounds EACH! I am now almost a bag of sugar lighter and let me tell you the difference it has made. I have always had a bad back, BUT the boobs seriously crippled my neck and back. Now, All I have is my normal back pain, not the middle and the top strain I’ve had all these years. It took a few weeks for my muscles in my back to relax, I successfully confused them. My neck no longer feels like someone has a rope around my neck pulling me around town like a donkey in a 3rd world country. I actually can sit up straight and it not hurt.

OK, so that is the physical positives out of getting this surgery. Now, while I won’t know my true new size for about 6 months, I feel amazing and I can NOT wait until I can start walking again, or jog for the first time. I’m excited. I think jogging will give me a new level of achievement because for once I may be able to complete a mile in under 18-20 minutes , which in turn burns more calories. I am wearing a sports bra that fits nicely for recovery as wearing a bra 24×7 for 3 months is recommended by my surgeon.

 

Cheers, heres to new beginnings.

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