I didn’t over chew, I made it through day 2!

People, I love food. I also have this skinny bitch that lives inside me that gets repulsed every time I eat. I don’t starve myself or throw-up instead I just store it all, usually on my ass and stomach. 😉 ok, so this week I’ve been TRYING to listen to the skinny bitch a little more and for the first time in 9 years, I’m not only trying, but I’m DOING!  I flew through day 2.

I’m only on day 3 of this pain in the ass journey of losing weight. But I made it through 2 whole days! TWO!  doesn’t seem like a lot does it? nope, it isn’t. I’ve met drug addicts who can get “clean” for two days. And just like you are right now, I would roll my eyes at them knowing that by the next time I would see them they would have already over dosed and been saved at least once. (I don’t hang out with these people, Just through acquaintances every now and then)  I know, I sound like a two faced bitch. Who am I to judge a druggie when I’m also a druggie, my drug just happens to be sugar. I would roll my eyes at them because while part of me understands that quitting anything is hard especially when your body develops a chemical addiction to something; I would get angry because I just want people to do better and get better. I hate seeing people fail at something I know they really want to succeed at. I hate seeing myself and others end up letting their drug of choice (sugar included) get the best of them and win.  I personally know the struggle as I have tried for 9 years to kick the sugar habit. (soda, chocolate, mmm cake) I say “try” because by noon I would already be over my calorie limit for the day. I’d give up and binge. One thing about me is I don’t give up easily. I may fail 1,000 times but I will get back up every time. Some times it takes me a few days, and there has even been weeks where I would just lie down and accept my fate as a fat girl. WAAAAHHHH WOE IS ME!   BLAH! Thankfully that skinny bitch would wake up my fighter in me and I’d get back up.

So, here we are on DAY 3!!! 2 days of eating healthy, drinking 126 ounces of water a day, and because I want to succeed this time, I’m allowing myself to still have my favorite French vanilla iced coffee with DD extra extra cream, a cookie or sugar snack. Let’s face it, If i cut it all out at the same time my husband would have to 302 me. No doubt! I’m not using the term 302 as a joke, I know what it means and I know the seriousness of it, I also mean it. Me without any sugar, I’d be like Gizmo after a midnight feeding, Chucky, T-1000 in Terminator, Jim Carey after he puts that mask on. I think you catch my drift.  🙂 Anyways, I just feel PROUD of myself that for 48 hours I really have tried, and succeeded. I’ve never gone this long on a “diet” before. NEVER! I always give in to my fat girl side.

I have a lot of doubts I will succeed in this weight loss journey, mainly because my record for success is ZERO in 9 years. I honestly think I will fail again, IF I can even make through today. My foundation for self esteem is made of dry sand. I have NO FAITH I will actually stick to this and lose weight. You’re probably saying “not with that attitude you won’t”, but see I know myself, and every other time I’ve been gung ho and failed. This time, I know and accept the chances of failing are high, I’m just taking it one day at a time, and really , just one meal at a time.

I’m just tired of my husbands friends coming to visit and all I want to do is runaway while they’re here. I just want to hide because I’m so embarrassed. See, I’ve been with my husband since we were 18, we’re 36 now. He’s had the same friends back then, as he has now. So, when they went from friendly flirting to barely acknowledging my existence you notice. I mean it says more about them then about me, but it still hurts. I used to be 5’2, 130ish pounds and most of that was in my boobs. I was perfectly curvy. (if only I knew that back then, I used to think I was fat and ugly…man oh man what I would do to smack my 18 year self LOL)   So now, I’m 5’2, had a breast reduction and weigh 216 pounds currently. I went from beauty to beast over the years.  I just want to feel comfortable around people again. To know they’re not secretly judging me, or trying not to gag because they hate fat people so much. Don’t judge them, because for all I know they could have a secret fat girl fetish, hell if I know… I’m just saying that’s how IIIII feel, I assume they feel that way.

I’m writing again today, because I need a place to vent. This used to be a private blog until it started getting noticed, I didn’t even know it was “public” but just assumed nothing is private because nothing is these days. It feels good to write on here and just get it all out. Holding shit in is toxic. very toxic. One day maybe I’ll start writing what’s really on my mind, that will be interesting, more interesting than daytime television!

Please, if you actually read this crap, and struggle with being overweight, please feel free to comment. You’re not alone in this battle, and as long as we keep trying maybe one day we will succeed. 🙂

 

 

 

 

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